matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
