The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I party with great urgency now.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
