You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
