Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
