all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
