i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
