Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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