nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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