dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
