you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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