I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
