Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
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