I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
