Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
