I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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