Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
