I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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