it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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