Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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