found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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