Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
