I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
