Taylor Swift is so right about you.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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