dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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