if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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