I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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