Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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