btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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