I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
