I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
