My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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