I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
