I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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