Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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