i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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