my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
