ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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