Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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