its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
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He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
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He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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