He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
