I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
