Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
