she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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