I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
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I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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