Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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