So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
