I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
