You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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