I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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