physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
