If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
