just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
