im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
