i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
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Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
the room spins SO much faster in panama
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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