I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
