Why are handjobs necessary in class?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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