I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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