You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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